Ask a deeply religious Christian if he?d rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how to set up a wireless network in his house. On the scale of prejudice, atheists don?t seem so bad lately.
I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporaly out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Looks are part of business. A businessman should never stand out more than his customers. His mannerisms, his clothes, everything about him… Moderation is the key.
You have to have funny faces and words, you can’t just have words. It is a powerful thing, and I think that’s why it’s hard for people to imagine that women can do that, be that powerful.
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2 women arrive at the Pearly Gates and a conversation ensues....
1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman : Hi! I’m Kelly. How’d you die?
1st woman : I Froze to Death.
2nd woman : How Horrible!
1st woman : It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman : I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started! running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman : Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer---we’d both still be alive.
A report published Monday in The New England Journal of Medicine warns that the nation’s obesity epidemic has reached a new level of crisis, with many overweight Americans’ increased girth rendering them physically unable to end their own, fat lives.
Named in honor of Charles Darwin, the Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome by honoring those who accidentally remove themselves from it, thus ensuring that the next generation is one idiot smarter. Of necessity, the Awards are generally bestowed posthumously.
John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot” he shouted.
A few moments passed. “An ambulance just drove by”
A few moments later, “Looks like the Anderson’s have company” he called out.
“Matt’s riding a new bike.....”
“The Coopers are having sex!!”
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
Dad cautiously asked, “How do you know they are having sex??”
“Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a Popsicle too.”
The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master
bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!
“You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare
you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m
leaving this house, I want a divorce!” The husband, replies “Wait, Wait
a minute!
Before you leave, at least listen to what happened”
“Hummmmm, I don’t know, well it’ll be the last thing I will hear
from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig you”
The husband begins to tell his story . . . “While driving home
this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went
ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not
well dressed! and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days.
With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the
enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn’t eat because
you’re afraid you’ll gain weight; the poor thing, practically devours
them. Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower.
While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full
of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave
her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can
no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the
blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don’t wear because I
don’t have good taste.
I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that
you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the
boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore
again after you saw your co -worker wearing the same pair.”
The husband continues his story . . . . . “The young woman was
very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the
door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks
me:
“Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use”
Truck Nutz
Posted by Tim G. at 10:25 AM
